Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Let's get STAH-TED

Welcome back to Year II of the SEC Expats. Since we're all starting fresh and lovey-dovey, we'll resist calling our recap of the off-season The Red Underwear Diaries.


Let's all agree, and as civilly as inter-conference invective allows, that a lot has happened since Nick Saban almost smiled while hoisting the BCS Championship in Pasadena in January.

For starters, Lane Kiffin rolled out of Knoxville. Let's give Romper Room credit for one thing. In a nation that can't agree on anything, Kiffin can be a unifying force. Given a little more time, he will become the most despised man in America. This guy has real juice. After a single year in Knoxville, he single-handedly rehabilitated Phil Fulmer.

Want to know how much the loss to Alabama hurt? Tim Tebow didn't cry after his rookie, training-camp haircut, that's how much.

In Mississippi, which is big on traditions, it's good to see that Houston Nutt stuck to true self and again showed he'll do just about anything to win. On top of all his obvious gifts, the Right Reverend apparently possesses the singular ability to see the good in exiled Oregon QB Jeremiah Masoli. Masoli, an all-Pac 12 performer last year, was thrown off the Ducks' team after amassing a police jacket only slightly thinner than his playbook. "Let thee who has not sinned cast the first stone . . . " Nutt says. We get it, particularly since no one on Nutt's roster can throw the stone nearly as well as Masoli. So quicker than you can say altar call, Nutt has him a quarterback. What Ole Miss now needs is a mascot. How about something to honor their coach. The Self-Promoting Hypocrites has a certain ring. (Bulletin: Maybe they'll need a quarterback after all. Citing the Oh-Come-On! clause in its bylaws, the NCAA denied Masoli's transfer, and Ole Miss announced its appeal Tuesday afternoon. Since Masoli clearly came to Oxford for its graduate school, the Expats wish him a rich and rewarding year in the classroom.)

Bobby Johnson walked. Texas A&M didn't.

Let's welcome the SEC's newest support group: ABBA. The teams that ALL BUT BEAT ALABAMA. Charter members include Auburn, LSU and Tennessee. The newly formed Board of Directors is considering an out-of-town membership for Texas. The one hang-up: Texas wants to be paid -- big! -- to join.

Meetings start with an official club song. "The Whines of Texas ("wah, Colt's arm, wah wah")" joins a three-verse chorus from the SEC schools.
Tennessee: "He took off his helmet . . . We Wuz Robbed."
LSU: "His feet were in bounds . . .We Wuz Robbed."
Auburn: "How do you spell robed? We Had 'Em Whupped."

The other day on ESPN Radio, Colin Cowherd -- the man who said in a straight voice that Lane Kiffin would be good for USC because he was cut from the same cloth as Nick Saban -- tried to make the case that the SEC is no longer the bell cow of college football, that it and the Big 10 are 1 and 1A. He didn't mention the ACC, which its fans have reminded us, has 37 teams in the pre-season Top 25.

To make his point, Cowherd used the analogy of rock bands. The SEC is the British Invasion. The Big 10 is the American bands.
So the SEC/Brits have the Beatles and Stones (Florida and Alabama). But the Big 10/American bands have more depth, and he listed the Allmans, Aerosmith, The Animals . . . His engineer interrupted -- the Animals were British. OK, Cowherd said, there's The Police. Sorry, Brits again. AC/DC? He asked. Aussies, the engineer said.

Case opened. Case closed. There's a lot of good music out there. There's a lot of good college football. But there's only one SEC. The Expats are glad to be back as the conference goes for its fifth BCS title in five tries. Join us. As usual, ACC schools are welcome.

But you'll need to show your IDs at the door.


J said...

So much for not beating your chest about last year. Let's talk about a few other things.

Christian LeMay signed with Georgia. Given what happened to him last spring at Butler, the legendary reputation of the quality of UGA coeds probably played a larger role in the decision than Mark Richt's charisma. That also explains the choice of UGA over the Malzahn School of Offense.

The War Eagle also lost out on a potential stud RB to the Fightin' Chickens who, according to one SC alum, is such a Mama's boy that attending a non-SC school was never a real option. The Eagle is not worried, handing the QB reins to a former Gator recruit who can actually both throw and run in a competent manner. Then there is the coach, who managed in 1 year to win 60% more games than the 2 previous years combined. And unlike his counterpart in the northern portion of the state, is capable of unclinching himself enough for his body to expel waste.

Out in Ar-Kansas, you can be fired for showing up to the coach's presser wearing another SEC school's hat. While most people are fixated on if this was wrongful termination, the more important question is, what would possess an alum of any other school to live there? Even desolate Alabama has NASA's digs and cotton that is needed to produce clothing.

And how could we forget the coach who resigned, then said he was only taking a sabbatical, then said he really wasn't that tired after all? Of course, the ailment that prompted the talk went from a near-fatal heart attack to an irregular heartbeat to just the aftermath of a jacked-up double cheeseburger. And, this just in, this coach still thinks he's God.

If I were Bobby Johnson, I'd get the hell out of dodge too, since there is no talk of the logical trade of Vandy to the SEC for Georgia Tech.

UNC Charlotte now has a football team. They will go to Kentucky to play Morehead State in November 2013, with MSU coming to Charlotte sometime in 2014. After that stiff challenge, UNC Charlotte should take a step down in competition - maybe they can play Tennessee.

MG - make sure you put a "Who you got" post up tomorrow so I can pontificate on each game. I've got some real doozies for ya.


Michael said...


The Anti-Christs welcome your return.

Who ya got goes up in a little while.