The NCAA and the Constanza Defense

Mr. Lippman: It's come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?
George Costanza: Who said that?
Mr. Lippman: She did.
George Costanza: [pause] Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorance on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon... you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time.


In the case of NCAA v. George Costanza, the NCAA blinked.

WHO KNEW it was wrong for Terrelle Pryor and his Ohio State teammates to trade autographs for tattoos, and sell their uniforms, shoes and, in Pryor's case, his Big 10 Championship ring?

WHO KNEW Cecil Newton had painted a For Sale sign on the back of his son's jersey? Certainly not Cam . . . I mean, what kid these days concerns himself with the trifling decision over where he will attend school? Cecil: After much prayer, I've decided you're signing with Auburn. Let the record show -- and if anyone is listening in -- this decision has been solely between me and God, that you have had no role in it whatsoever. Cam, not looking up from his I-Phone: Whatever. Auburn Athletic Director John Jacobs (eyes glued to his Blackberry and gesturing at Cam): What he says.

This is a complex but essential point to grasp: Under the Costanzian Behavioral Theory -- which now becomes NCAA precedent -- if there's a chocolate bar missing and you have chocolate tracks on your fingerprints, DENY EVERYTHING. If you have chocolate smeared all over your face and the wrapper is in your back pocket, SWEAR you didn't know it was wrong to take it.

That appears to be the legal construct behind the NCAA ruling Thursday to suspend the Ohio State players for the first five games of next season, but allow them to play in the Sugar Bowl in 10 days. The bowl game is such a special treat, the suddenly doting uncle agency said, and, after all, kids will be kids, PARTICULARLY when they have not received the proper training to discern right from wrong. (In a shocking coincidence, the university's failings were compounded by a complete shutdown of the communications industry in central Ohio. Cut off from the media grid, Pryor and his buds never heard about the A.J. Green jersey scandal, the mass suspensions at North Carolina, or any of a dozen other investigations/suspensions focused on players receiving excessive benefits.) WHO KNEW?

At least the NCAA is being consistent. Another way of looking at it, of course, is that the agency had boxed itself in with its handling of the Newton case. Earlier this month, the agency declared that a violation had occurred in Cam's recruitment. But it ruled the star quarterback eligible for the SEC Championship game (and presumably the BCS showdown with Oregon next month) because it couldn't prove the player or Auburn knew of Cecil Newton's business plan. Again, WHO KNEW?

Other conferences guffawed, most notably The Big 10 and its commissioner, Jim Delaney. Funny, Delaney was strangely silent when Costanzian logic was applied to Ohio State.

The good thing is all this unpleasantness have been cleared up before Christmas and the New Year's parade of cash cows known as the BCS Bowl Games. It's an American tradition: The select few invited to the party get rich. WE KNOW it's not the time or place for moral ambiguities.

As Costanza puts it: Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.

MG